a journey in discovering how to live a life lead by love

Posts tagged ‘love’

Hooks, Spirits and Loving yourself

So I know its been a while since my last post…golly gosh what a couple of weeks its been! Celeste gave me a simple task on the 4th day of my experiment, to try juice fasting for a day. Well I went into the cupboard and ate every carbohydrate I could find and then drank coffee, and tea this went on for 2 days…all the while I was telling myself yeah I’ll do it tomorrow.

The next day I had a go at it and by 2pm I was feeling empty inside myself…I just wanted to eat something, my mind kept telling me to make some toast, but instead I justified to myself eating some baked beetroot, garlic and pumpkin, because my son Caleb has just started on solid food and I told myself… he might like to try some blended up baked veggies. Mmmmm interesting that I ate most of them! Caleb did get some and he did enjoy it….but I could feel I was still rebelling, then I talked myself out of that feeling by telling myself well, they were veggies so it was still good for me. And to top it off my empty feeling was gone, I was full, content and happy….happy I had successfully avoided my emptiness that is inside me.

When I reflected on this, I spoke with my guide Celeste and being the beautiful spirit she is she had no opinion, or anything to say about it, (honouring my free will) all she suggested was that the next day I should just try to drink 3 litres of water. I succeeded but it was a struggle, then next day after that I woke up in a rage, I drove to town talking to (raging at) God about how I just don’t want to love myself. The emotional turmoil inside of me was overwhelming, I felt like I hated myself…. then a phone conversation with my mum triggered something inside of me….her dog had just died and she was crying on the phone to me and in her grieving she said ” I am able to love my dogs more than my children”. The pain emotional inside of me became unbearable and I felt lost and did not know what to do with myself.

Celeste gently suggested that I go and see a friend of mine for some bodywork….so I did. And finally this grief began to flow.

The core of it was…not that I didn’t want to love myself but more that I did not know how to really love myself because of this overwhelming grief of never being really loved, never being really cared for by anyone.

I then got to feel some of Gods love for me…. and had a clear connection with my guides as well….one of the clearest connections I have ever had with them….and so I began chatting with them about some soul desires that I could suddenly feel and it was just amazing and so nice to really feel them and myself….and it became so apparent to me….. how important God and Gods love really is in knowing your desires that are pure and knowing you guides more clearly.

It was the most open I had felt in a long time. Gradually the open feeling has gone and the busyness of my mind has become dominate again and so today Celeste and I chatted about some things….here is what she had to say-

C- Let us talk about those first few days.

Nat – Ok

C- You were aware at the suggestion of juice fasting for a day how you chose to rebel, your mind again became busy with matters other than that of your soul growth & therefore you were again allowing the influence of other spirits to keep you from loving yourself & even on the 3rd day when you did finally try to fast for the day…it felt to hard & you wanted to eat so you could feel full.

Nat- Yes

C- Lets talk about why this occurred – you discovered the more you rebelled, the more emotional pain you were in, until it overwhelmed you so much that you finally surrendered. You discovered that you not only don’t want to love yourself, a rebellious and rageful feeling in you, but when you surrendered, you found that you did not know how to love yourself.

If you cannot love yourself you cannot receive Gods love, for the rage inside of you would suggest that you are adamant that you are not lovable and from Gods perspective this is not true. You are angry about,  there having been no love in your life for you as a small child and consequently you attract many spirits who are also angry about the same thing and then influence your rebellion further.

Notice how when you finally surrendered to the grief in you about not being loved and therefore not knowing how to love yourself you felt God’s love for you regardless of what you thought to be true, and in the receiving of that love your heart was open and your mind became clearer and you felt much peace inside of you.

Nat- Yes it was really nice.

C- This openness and desire to feel God and accept and receive Gods love then allowed much respite from the spirits who would banter at you their feelings of anger about the lack of love in their lives as well.

There is a big hole in your soul, as with many on earth both spirit and physical people caused by the grief they suppressed as children for not being loved the way they longed to be, coupled with that is the belief then that you must not be lovable so you take actions to thwart  Gods love away from yourself.

But as you experienced after your bodywork, there is much love for you and it is always available and when your heart is open like that and there is real desire to accept the love being gifted to you and the relinquishing of the false belief that you are not loveable, you were more aware of your true soul desires, you could feel how many guides there are supporting you in the discovery of your true self but more than this you could feel Gods eternal presence….this feeling last only a 2 days because there is still more grief inside of you about not being loved…. of feeling that you are of no value to anyone for any purpose, allowing the spirit influence to return…and as you continue to grieve these feelings your faith will grow and you will have much less influence, but more than this your desire to love yourself will no longer be a conscious effort but 2nd nature to you.

So let’s now talk of the spirits you felt with you the other day, all of them are able to attack you because of this one emotion…granted it has many layers to it but it is still just one causal emotion.

The first woman you felt with you, that you feel judges you is able to do so because of this belief that you are unlovable…that feel and think you are in some way not good enough to be loved and are just bad. She resembles much of the feelings and projections you received from your mother as a child, you mother still needs to show you up and be better than you it is why when your mother pays you a compliment it is followed by a put down before the sentence has finished….lets use the example of when she told you that you look beautiful and reminded her of a particular model…you were surprised at her compliment and in the next sentence she mentioned to you that this model had an illness and was very overweight because of her illness, she then reiterated to you that because you are still carrying pregnancy weight that is why you reminded her  of that model.

The spirit has the same manipulative feelings inside of her, resentment of your beauty and desire to do what you love and so does your mother. The grief of being put down as a child has had you constantly seeking your mothers approval all thru your childhood and when you were exhausted of trying to get it, you then chose rebellion. Her then disapproval of you became a way to exact your revenge on your mother.

It is why this spirit is quick to judge you and tell you things that would make you feel bad when you take action to love yourself….on the other hand when you don’t love yourself you are told you are bad and a hypocrite to speak of loving things when you cannot love yourself. It is why both you and your daughter have this feeling that nothing you do is good enough… that your best is not good enough…..to heal this feeling would prevent the spirit or any other from being able to influence you into that self punishing place you often go to.

The men who are with you are able to project these worthless feelings at you because that is how you feel as part of the layers to this emotion. Your need for your dads love and approval was never forthcoming either and so it seemed that all that you felt as a child from your mother was strengthened and confirmed by your fathers inability to love.

You then chose the belief that you are worth nothing to him because you are a girl….and while the truth is that you were worth nothing to him….God does not see it this way…God created your half of the soul as beautiful expression of femininity. The fact that your dad had no desire to love you as a little girl had you develop a belief that women are not really good for anything….and because of your fathers sexual injuries….you felt that women were only good for sex and if they were no good at that then they were useless.

It is why these men can project at you that you are ugly and worthless because the hole (feeling) in your soul corresponds(it is open to accept the attack)…in other words the grief in you allows the attack to take place….and until you grieve it fully then the attack will continue and you will uphold the false belief. Your soulmate has triggered this grief in you often because his view of you and his love for you does not match the beliefs that you hold about yourself…it is why he says to you ‘I cannot wait for the day your see yourself the way I see you’ God too wishes only for you to see yourself as God sees you but the feelings we are talking about here is what block that…and also block Gods Love.

The older women with you who wish to punish your children were treated very poorly as children themselves and your guilt of how you have been less than loving to your daughter when she was young is the opening in your soul that again allows the attack or influence….it is why they can make you feel like a bad mother and your anger about being punished as a child and the injustice and disrespect you felt as a small child is the hook they have to helping you get angry with your daughter.

Nat- What about my son?

C-  Do you remember as a child how your brother was favoured over you? This feeling inside of you that you wanted to punish him for being loved more than you…and even though your son is a baby and you have never punished him in the sense of smacked or grounded him or even been in a rage with him…the hole in your soul is still there, so he feels you anger with men because of this.

It is part of the feeling, that you are less because you are a girl….and your guilt about your daughter and the fact that you have yelled at her in anger many times and even smacked at times when she was smaller is just an avoidance of the repentance you need to feel. Guilt is for you, another way to tell yourself you are bad…another self punishment that allows spirit attack to occur and keep you from the real emotion that needs to be released.

When you grieve this worthless feeling and desire to be truly repentant for your unloving actions toward you children (for refusing to feel your grief and allowing your children to accept the projects of unhealed emotions is unloving to them) then you will no longer take the action but also you will release the hook…you will close the hole in your soul. And while you are developing a pure desire to love and nurture your children, the feelings coming from your soul will no longer be mixed…you have already seen the benefits with your daughters response with your desire to really love her in the true sense of loving.

The young girl with you, ‘Tank Girl’ as you call her, she is with you because you want to avoid the pain of all of these feelings we have talked about…she uses all the same open holes to influence you, but she would influence you to take actions that make you feel powerful over the grief inside yourself…it is why you are able to see her so much more clearly than the others…your rapport is better, because your resistance to allowing the pain of feeling not good enough, worthless, powerless, ugly etc is that strong!

This is where you are needing more humility my sister, and why my suggestion to you of taking simple actions to love yourself was the first task you needed to engage. For without love for yourself, you will not connect to God, you will not connect to your soul desires, you will not connect to your soul mate in the way you desire…and consequently you will create less than what your heart wants. You will also not be able to love and serve others.

So let us continue with our daily chats…and pray for the courage to let go of control and be humble to your pain so you may dissolve these false beliefs and allow the certainty of Gods view point to resonate in your heart.

Letting Love In….

I have a beautiful man in my life. He has been in my life for 10 years. He is my….soulmate.

Wow that is hard to say, its hard to say because I have been wrong about my soulmate before, but God and my Guides have shown me that is who he is….and more than that I feel it in my heart.

Throughout my life I have not very often trusted my heart….and when I have it has been a huge task, a risk, even with the reassurance of God, I still get scared about saying it out loud to anyone other than him, that he is my soulmate because I find it hard to believe that God would give me someone so awesome.

I still remember the day we met and the effect he had on me….I was almost speechless, (for those that know me that does not happen to often), I was definately nervous…I was a waitress in a restaurant and he was placing his order, I could hardly make eye contact with him because I could not stop blushing when I looked at him, I stumbled over my words as I took his order, I tripped on the way back to the kitchen to give the chef his order…and when it came time to deliver his meal to him I was terrified that I would drop it or spill it on him.

Over the next 12 weeks I took his order every night, and every night, my heart would race, my hands would shake, my words would be all jumbled, and every time I looked at his eyes this amazing feeling would happen in my chest. It was like a warmth expanding out of me at him, and I was terrified that he would know I felt this way, and I could not stop it no matter what I tried to think of!

What is interesting to me is that a week before we met I was sitting on the beach with my 6 month old daughter, crying and feeling my heart to God with this questioning. When would it be my turn? When would I find that person I could love forever? And how on earth was he ever going to find me in a beach village with a population of only 500 people? I sobbed for an hour on that beach pondering the thought that I may have to spend the rest of my life alone, and feeling just gutted that I had tried in vain to make so many bad relationships work in the hope that each relationship would be the one. In short I had given up, I just figured that there was no one for me and God wanted it to be that way for whatever reason.

A week later…. I met him, of course I did not know it at the time, and given the history of relationships I had had in my life, how un-nerved I felt around him I would never have recognised he was the one anyway.

You see I had only ever wanted a man I could control, that I could dominate, and only give love to on my terms, that way I was always in control of the relationship, I got to decide how emotionally invested I would be in each relationship and I remained always distant enough that I could walk away at any time and still feel the power lay with me because I was the one who left. I have since learned that this is not Love…not even close!!

Ironically I moved from that beach village and through what I can only describe as God’s plan, I ended up living 5 houses down the road from him. I was dating someone else (someone I could still control) and it turned out they were acquaintances.

This is how my soulmate and I became friends. over the next 8 years we shared a lot together, heartbreak in our relationships, many nights dancing and partying our sorrows away, long walks on the beach, consoling cups of coffee whenever each other needed it, and all the while this feeling in my heart was there….I must admit I did a pretty good job of hiding it from him, and I denied it so strongly in myself, I could never admit (to myself especially) how I really felt, because he was just so awesome…I could never have someone like him….I really believed that…..but even scarier was the fact I had no control over the way he made me feel, and that terrified me. So I pretended that it wasnt real, with all my might I tried to shut it out….and it worked for a little while. 9 and a half years to be exact.

Then I didn’t see him for a year and a half, and suddenly one night at 3:02am (after months of soulmate movies and crying about not knowing who it is and not having them in my life)……. I woke from a sleep state experience, with this knowing in my heart it was him, that he was…… the one. Again I tried to dismiss it as crazy thinking how could that be….but I couldn’t go back to sleep. I just lay there for the next hour feeling into the feeling that was in my heart when I awoke…..it was amazing, I felt really calm and peaceful, so I prayed. I asked God to show me if this was my soulmate….2 nights later I had another sleep state experience where I told him how I felt about him and he said he felt the same way……again I awoke with this excitement in my heart but still feeling really calm.

This time instead of trying to dismiss it I went into the feeling and realised that this feeling in my heart had been there since the first time I met him…every time I saw him and still 9 and half years when I dream of him it was still the same. In that very moment I knew I had to tell him how I felt…It felt like… to go another day with this feeling in my heart of love, after holding onto it for nearly 10 years…I gotta tell ya I thought I was going to burst!!

I had to wait 2 days before I could tell him, so I prayed to God about how nervous I was. What if I was to be rejected when I told him that I was in love with him….? But as the 2 days went by the feeling in my heart kept growing and I no longer carer if he rejected what I said, I knew what I could feel was not going away  and I was not going to deny that feeling anymore.

Anyway as you may know already, I went to see him and it turns out that he felt the same way and always had……and that’s how our journey began.

I since have reflected on the love I have had the pleasure of experiencing since our journey began, the feeling of my soul opening (which totally freaked me out while it was happening so I shut it down…damn it)  and even before that back to when we were just friends, and how afraid I was of the way he made me feel inside. I was afraid of his love and letting it in.

You see I have had to give up control because I have no control over the love I feel for him and that is terrifying, but as scary as it is the feeling of love is so much nicer….so its worth being a little terrified. I have no exist strategy this time……this time its my one true love of all time….and it feels nice to have no exit plan in the back of my mind. I still struggle sometimes to look him in the eyes when I can feel him looking at me with love in his heart and eyes…..it overwhelms me so much. But as I catch myself trying to look at the ground, I take a deep breath and make myself look at that beautiful man smiling back at me with so much love in his heart. It makes me cry sometimes, this overwhelming sadness of how I have had to live most of my life without the kind of love we have.

Because of him,it is the first time ever in my life……I have genuinely wanted to love a man, share with him, learn about him and from him, grow with him……and all because I let love in.

I thank God regularly from the very bottom of my heart for the gift of a soulmate. And I encourage anyone who is seeking the one to not give up, to keep praying, and longing for the other half of your soul…. that one person you were meant to love for ever end ever……. amen.

Living Raw with Susan

a journey in discovering how to live a life lead by love

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