So I know its been a while since my last post…golly gosh what a couple of weeks its been! Celeste gave me a simple task on the 4th day of my experiment, to try juice fasting for a day. Well I went into the cupboard and ate every carbohydrate I could find and then drank coffee, and tea this went on for 2 days…all the while I was telling myself yeah I’ll do it tomorrow.
The next day I had a go at it and by 2pm I was feeling empty inside myself…I just wanted to eat something, my mind kept telling me to make some toast, but instead I justified to myself eating some baked beetroot, garlic and pumpkin, because my son Caleb has just started on solid food and I told myself… he might like to try some blended up baked veggies. Mmmmm interesting that I ate most of them! Caleb did get some and he did enjoy it….but I could feel I was still rebelling, then I talked myself out of that feeling by telling myself well, they were veggies so it was still good for me. And to top it off my empty feeling was gone, I was full, content and happy….happy I had successfully avoided my emptiness that is inside me.
When I reflected on this, I spoke with my guide Celeste and being the beautiful spirit she is she had no opinion, or anything to say about it, (honouring my free will) all she suggested was that the next day I should just try to drink 3 litres of water. I succeeded but it was a struggle, then next day after that I woke up in a rage, I drove to town talking to (raging at) God about how I just don’t want to love myself. The emotional turmoil inside of me was overwhelming, I felt like I hated myself…. then a phone conversation with my mum triggered something inside of me….her dog had just died and she was crying on the phone to me and in her grieving she said ” I am able to love my dogs more than my children”. The pain emotional inside of me became unbearable and I felt lost and did not know what to do with myself.
Celeste gently suggested that I go and see a friend of mine for some bodywork….so I did. And finally this grief began to flow.
The core of it was…not that I didn’t want to love myself but more that I did not know how to really love myself because of this overwhelming grief of never being really loved, never being really cared for by anyone.
I then got to feel some of Gods love for me…. and had a clear connection with my guides as well….one of the clearest connections I have ever had with them….and so I began chatting with them about some soul desires that I could suddenly feel and it was just amazing and so nice to really feel them and myself….and it became so apparent to me….. how important God and Gods love really is in knowing your desires that are pure and knowing you guides more clearly.
It was the most open I had felt in a long time. Gradually the open feeling has gone and the busyness of my mind has become dominate again and so today Celeste and I chatted about some things….here is what she had to say-
C- Let us talk about those first few days.
Nat – Ok
C- You were aware at the suggestion of juice fasting for a day how you chose to rebel, your mind again became busy with matters other than that of your soul growth & therefore you were again allowing the influence of other spirits to keep you from loving yourself & even on the 3rd day when you did finally try to fast for the day…it felt to hard & you wanted to eat so you could feel full.
C- Lets talk about why this occurred – you discovered the more you rebelled, the more emotional pain you were in, until it overwhelmed you so much that you finally surrendered. You discovered that you not only don’t want to love yourself, a rebellious and rageful feeling in you, but when you surrendered, you found that you did not know how to love yourself.
If you cannot love yourself you cannot receive Gods love, for the rage inside of you would suggest that you are adamant that you are not lovable and from Gods perspective this is not true. You are angry about, there having been no love in your life for you as a small child and consequently you attract many spirits who are also angry about the same thing and then influence your rebellion further.
Notice how when you finally surrendered to the grief in you about not being loved and therefore not knowing how to love yourself you felt God’s love for you regardless of what you thought to be true, and in the receiving of that love your heart was open and your mind became clearer and you felt much peace inside of you.
Nat- Yes it was really nice.
C- This openness and desire to feel God and accept and receive Gods love then allowed much respite from the spirits who would banter at you their feelings of anger about the lack of love in their lives as well.
There is a big hole in your soul, as with many on earth both spirit and physical people caused by the grief they suppressed as children for not being loved the way they longed to be, coupled with that is the belief then that you must not be lovable so you take actions to thwart Gods love away from yourself.
But as you experienced after your bodywork, there is much love for you and it is always available and when your heart is open like that and there is real desire to accept the love being gifted to you and the relinquishing of the false belief that you are not loveable, you were more aware of your true soul desires, you could feel how many guides there are supporting you in the discovery of your true self but more than this you could feel Gods eternal presence….this feeling last only a 2 days because there is still more grief inside of you about not being loved…. of feeling that you are of no value to anyone for any purpose, allowing the spirit influence to return…and as you continue to grieve these feelings your faith will grow and you will have much less influence, but more than this your desire to love yourself will no longer be a conscious effort but 2nd nature to you.
So let’s now talk of the spirits you felt with you the other day, all of them are able to attack you because of this one emotion…granted it has many layers to it but it is still just one causal emotion.
The first woman you felt with you, that you feel judges you is able to do so because of this belief that you are unlovable…that feel and think you are in some way not good enough to be loved and are just bad. She resembles much of the feelings and projections you received from your mother as a child, you mother still needs to show you up and be better than you it is why when your mother pays you a compliment it is followed by a put down before the sentence has finished….lets use the example of when she told you that you look beautiful and reminded her of a particular model…you were surprised at her compliment and in the next sentence she mentioned to you that this model had an illness and was very overweight because of her illness, she then reiterated to you that because you are still carrying pregnancy weight that is why you reminded her of that model.
The spirit has the same manipulative feelings inside of her, resentment of your beauty and desire to do what you love and so does your mother. The grief of being put down as a child has had you constantly seeking your mothers approval all thru your childhood and when you were exhausted of trying to get it, you then chose rebellion. Her then disapproval of you became a way to exact your revenge on your mother.
It is why this spirit is quick to judge you and tell you things that would make you feel bad when you take action to love yourself….on the other hand when you don’t love yourself you are told you are bad and a hypocrite to speak of loving things when you cannot love yourself. It is why both you and your daughter have this feeling that nothing you do is good enough… that your best is not good enough…..to heal this feeling would prevent the spirit or any other from being able to influence you into that self punishing place you often go to.
The men who are with you are able to project these worthless feelings at you because that is how you feel as part of the layers to this emotion. Your need for your dads love and approval was never forthcoming either and so it seemed that all that you felt as a child from your mother was strengthened and confirmed by your fathers inability to love.
You then chose the belief that you are worth nothing to him because you are a girl….and while the truth is that you were worth nothing to him….God does not see it this way…God created your half of the soul as beautiful expression of femininity. The fact that your dad had no desire to love you as a little girl had you develop a belief that women are not really good for anything….and because of your fathers sexual injuries….you felt that women were only good for sex and if they were no good at that then they were useless.
It is why these men can project at you that you are ugly and worthless because the hole (feeling) in your soul corresponds(it is open to accept the attack)…in other words the grief in you allows the attack to take place….and until you grieve it fully then the attack will continue and you will uphold the false belief. Your soulmate has triggered this grief in you often because his view of you and his love for you does not match the beliefs that you hold about yourself…it is why he says to you ‘I cannot wait for the day your see yourself the way I see you’ God too wishes only for you to see yourself as God sees you but the feelings we are talking about here is what block that…and also block Gods Love.
The older women with you who wish to punish your children were treated very poorly as children themselves and your guilt of how you have been less than loving to your daughter when she was young is the opening in your soul that again allows the attack or influence….it is why they can make you feel like a bad mother and your anger about being punished as a child and the injustice and disrespect you felt as a small child is the hook they have to helping you get angry with your daughter.
Nat- What about my son?
C- Do you remember as a child how your brother was favoured over you? This feeling inside of you that you wanted to punish him for being loved more than you…and even though your son is a baby and you have never punished him in the sense of smacked or grounded him or even been in a rage with him…the hole in your soul is still there, so he feels you anger with men because of this.
It is part of the feeling, that you are less because you are a girl….and your guilt about your daughter and the fact that you have yelled at her in anger many times and even smacked at times when she was smaller is just an avoidance of the repentance you need to feel. Guilt is for you, another way to tell yourself you are bad…another self punishment that allows spirit attack to occur and keep you from the real emotion that needs to be released.
When you grieve this worthless feeling and desire to be truly repentant for your unloving actions toward you children (for refusing to feel your grief and allowing your children to accept the projects of unhealed emotions is unloving to them) then you will no longer take the action but also you will release the hook…you will close the hole in your soul. And while you are developing a pure desire to love and nurture your children, the feelings coming from your soul will no longer be mixed…you have already seen the benefits with your daughters response with your desire to really love her in the true sense of loving.
The young girl with you, ‘Tank Girl’ as you call her, she is with you because you want to avoid the pain of all of these feelings we have talked about…she uses all the same open holes to influence you, but she would influence you to take actions that make you feel powerful over the grief inside yourself…it is why you are able to see her so much more clearly than the others…your rapport is better, because your resistance to allowing the pain of feeling not good enough, worthless, powerless, ugly etc is that strong!
This is where you are needing more humility my sister, and why my suggestion to you of taking simple actions to love yourself was the first task you needed to engage. For without love for yourself, you will not connect to God, you will not connect to your soul desires, you will not connect to your soul mate in the way you desire…and consequently you will create less than what your heart wants. You will also not be able to love and serve others.
So let us continue with our daily chats…and pray for the courage to let go of control and be humble to your pain so you may dissolve these false beliefs and allow the certainty of Gods view point to resonate in your heart.