a journey in discovering how to live a life lead by love

Dear God…

Dear God,

where do I begin??

I am afraid God, I am afraid that you wont love me….because I am a liar, I lie to myself, my friends, my family, my acquaintances and most of all I lie to you. I tell myself and others that I want to love more…heck I even started this blog with noble idea of sharing about what I have learned about love!

But it is bullshit God because I cant be honest with myself or you, let alone anyone else. I read a blog post today from your beautiful daughter Mary, I know you know the one, she overwhelms me with her honesty and her desire for you God….and in reading her post I realised that I haven’t wanted your love I haven’t wanted to share myself with you from the exact place where I stand, my prayers have not been honest and heart felt and I have only wanted you to want me.

I have not wanted to tell you that I don’t know how to love myself, I have not wanted to tell you that smoking has got the better of me again, I have not wanted to tell you that I am angry that hypnosis doesn’t work anymore and that I just wish I could go back to when it did because I don’t know what the emotion is that makes me want to do it and I don’t want to know!!

I want you to fix everything God but I don’t want to do any of the work, I want you to want me and love me without having to ask so that I can feel like I am of some value to you…..then I would believe in you, then I would have more faith, then I would try.(But would I) I know God that I do this people to….I want them to treat me a certain way…I want them to want me, so I can feel of value and with them it works….but not with you. Why not with you??

I believed that I had the courage and commitment needed to let my guide show me the way to you….but I don’t.

I learned from her and you a few weeks ago that when I am open to you, I feel great and I can feel her and others who would help me in my journey, and with such clarity and peacefulness that it blew my mind….but it ended to quickly!!! And I want it back! I want to feel like that all the time…I want to use my gift of mediumship when I am that clear….I want to feel my soul desires all the time so I can be excited about my life, but the problem is God I don’t know how that clarity happened, I know only the mess I was in before it happened and to be honest it was hard and dark and painful and I don’t know if I have the courage to keep going to that place to find you like that….I want it to be easier than that.

I hate the mess that is inside of me, I hate having to look at it and I hate having to expose to you….granted there has always been a pay off of connecting to you whenever I do, but its hard and snotty and I feel lost and out of control and that scares me…why do I have to do it that way?

Couldn’t we just make it, so we could feel you like that all the time and if we make a mistake then we would lose the feeling till we corrected the mistake? That just feels like it would be so much easier. Muddling thru all my mistakes and pain and parents mistakes as well as my own parental mistakes….gawd, if feels impossible and for the small moments of joy when I do feel you in contrast to the constant state of mess I feel I am in…. hardly feels worth the effort most days.

But after reading Mary’s post I am frustrated with the fact that there is this feeling inside of me that wants you…..wants to be heard by you, known by you, closer to you. And this distance I am putting between us is hurting so much that I don’t want to do it anymore.

God I have spent years punishing myself and discovered recently I actually have enjoyed it….I have been addicted to making myself a victim of violence and I am the perpetrator and what is challenging me the most God is I don’t know how to stop. I don’t even know if I want to stop. But I know that when I make an effort to love myself, that it feels nice….but EFFORT is the word here, to pay attention to. Why God is it such an EFFORT for me to be kind, and compassionate and patient and good to myself.

I need your help God for I recognised in my heart today that I really do want your love, that I really do want to know you….that I really do want to feel you…and I want to be grateful for it….I don’t know how to express gratitude God, my thanks to anyone has always been guarded and addictive and I don’t want to do that either.

I saw your son Jesus receive your love one day but what I also noticed was he gave love back to you….the exchange of love was mutual and appeared to be so natural, it was some years ago when I saw this but the image has always stayed with me. Why cant I do this God…why is it that I don’t feel any gratitude for the love you have already given me…for the gifts you have given me…why is there not a feeling in my heart of love for you for the very fact of my existence???

I can feel you a little now and I would like to stay with you for a while so I am going to stop writing.

(To those who are reading this pos,t I just felt to say what was in my heart today, I know much of my relationship with God has come from a needy and addictive place and I know that God doesn’t work that way, but the feeling in my heart today was a wanting for God and his love and so I shared my prayer with you as it was for me in the moment)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I know its been a while since my last post…golly gosh what a couple of weeks its been! Celeste gave me a simple task on the 4th day of my experiment, to try juice fasting for a day. Well I went into the cupboard and ate every carbohydrate I could find and then drank coffee, and tea this went on for 2 days…all the while I was telling myself yeah I’ll do it tomorrow.

The next day I had a go at it and by 2pm I was feeling empty inside myself…I just wanted to eat something, my mind kept telling me to make some toast, but instead I justified to myself eating some baked beetroot, garlic and pumpkin, because my son Caleb has just started on solid food and I told myself… he might like to try some blended up baked veggies. Mmmmm interesting that I ate most of them! Caleb did get some and he did enjoy it….but I could feel I was still rebelling, then I talked myself out of that feeling by telling myself well, they were veggies so it was still good for me. And to top it off my empty feeling was gone, I was full, content and happy….happy I had successfully avoided my emptiness that is inside me.

When I reflected on this, I spoke with my guide Celeste and being the beautiful spirit she is she had no opinion, or anything to say about it, (honouring my free will) all she suggested was that the next day I should just try to drink 3 litres of water. I succeeded but it was a struggle, then next day after that I woke up in a rage, I drove to town talking to (raging at) God about how I just don’t want to love myself. The emotional turmoil inside of me was overwhelming, I felt like I hated myself…. then a phone conversation with my mum triggered something inside of me….her dog had just died and she was crying on the phone to me and in her grieving she said ” I am able to love my dogs more than my children”. The pain emotional inside of me became unbearable and I felt lost and did not know what to do with myself.

Celeste gently suggested that I go and see a friend of mine for some bodywork….so I did. And finally this grief began to flow.

The core of it was…not that I didn’t want to love myself but more that I did not know how to really love myself because of this overwhelming grief of never being really loved, never being really cared for by anyone.

I then got to feel some of Gods love for me…. and had a clear connection with my guides as well….one of the clearest connections I have ever had with them….and so I began chatting with them about some soul desires that I could suddenly feel and it was just amazing and so nice to really feel them and myself….and it became so apparent to me….. how important God and Gods love really is in knowing your desires that are pure and knowing you guides more clearly.

It was the most open I had felt in a long time. Gradually the open feeling has gone and the busyness of my mind has become dominate again and so today Celeste and I chatted about some things….here is what she had to say-

C- Let us talk about those first few days.

Nat – Ok

C- You were aware at the suggestion of juice fasting for a day how you chose to rebel, your mind again became busy with matters other than that of your soul growth & therefore you were again allowing the influence of other spirits to keep you from loving yourself & even on the 3rd day when you did finally try to fast for the day…it felt to hard & you wanted to eat so you could feel full.

Nat- Yes

C- Lets talk about why this occurred – you discovered the more you rebelled, the more emotional pain you were in, until it overwhelmed you so much that you finally surrendered. You discovered that you not only don’t want to love yourself, a rebellious and rageful feeling in you, but when you surrendered, you found that you did not know how to love yourself.

If you cannot love yourself you cannot receive Gods love, for the rage inside of you would suggest that you are adamant that you are not lovable and from Gods perspective this is not true. You are angry about,  there having been no love in your life for you as a small child and consequently you attract many spirits who are also angry about the same thing and then influence your rebellion further.

Notice how when you finally surrendered to the grief in you about not being loved and therefore not knowing how to love yourself you felt God’s love for you regardless of what you thought to be true, and in the receiving of that love your heart was open and your mind became clearer and you felt much peace inside of you.

Nat- Yes it was really nice.

C- This openness and desire to feel God and accept and receive Gods love then allowed much respite from the spirits who would banter at you their feelings of anger about the lack of love in their lives as well.

There is a big hole in your soul, as with many on earth both spirit and physical people caused by the grief they suppressed as children for not being loved the way they longed to be, coupled with that is the belief then that you must not be lovable so you take actions to thwart  Gods love away from yourself.

But as you experienced after your bodywork, there is much love for you and it is always available and when your heart is open like that and there is real desire to accept the love being gifted to you and the relinquishing of the false belief that you are not loveable, you were more aware of your true soul desires, you could feel how many guides there are supporting you in the discovery of your true self but more than this you could feel Gods eternal presence….this feeling last only a 2 days because there is still more grief inside of you about not being loved…. of feeling that you are of no value to anyone for any purpose, allowing the spirit influence to return…and as you continue to grieve these feelings your faith will grow and you will have much less influence, but more than this your desire to love yourself will no longer be a conscious effort but 2nd nature to you.

So let’s now talk of the spirits you felt with you the other day, all of them are able to attack you because of this one emotion…granted it has many layers to it but it is still just one causal emotion.

The first woman you felt with you, that you feel judges you is able to do so because of this belief that you are unlovable…that feel and think you are in some way not good enough to be loved and are just bad. She resembles much of the feelings and projections you received from your mother as a child, you mother still needs to show you up and be better than you it is why when your mother pays you a compliment it is followed by a put down before the sentence has finished….lets use the example of when she told you that you look beautiful and reminded her of a particular model…you were surprised at her compliment and in the next sentence she mentioned to you that this model had an illness and was very overweight because of her illness, she then reiterated to you that because you are still carrying pregnancy weight that is why you reminded her  of that model.

The spirit has the same manipulative feelings inside of her, resentment of your beauty and desire to do what you love and so does your mother. The grief of being put down as a child has had you constantly seeking your mothers approval all thru your childhood and when you were exhausted of trying to get it, you then chose rebellion. Her then disapproval of you became a way to exact your revenge on your mother.

It is why this spirit is quick to judge you and tell you things that would make you feel bad when you take action to love yourself….on the other hand when you don’t love yourself you are told you are bad and a hypocrite to speak of loving things when you cannot love yourself. It is why both you and your daughter have this feeling that nothing you do is good enough… that your best is not good enough…..to heal this feeling would prevent the spirit or any other from being able to influence you into that self punishing place you often go to.

The men who are with you are able to project these worthless feelings at you because that is how you feel as part of the layers to this emotion. Your need for your dads love and approval was never forthcoming either and so it seemed that all that you felt as a child from your mother was strengthened and confirmed by your fathers inability to love.

You then chose the belief that you are worth nothing to him because you are a girl….and while the truth is that you were worth nothing to him….God does not see it this way…God created your half of the soul as beautiful expression of femininity. The fact that your dad had no desire to love you as a little girl had you develop a belief that women are not really good for anything….and because of your fathers sexual injuries….you felt that women were only good for sex and if they were no good at that then they were useless.

It is why these men can project at you that you are ugly and worthless because the hole (feeling) in your soul corresponds(it is open to accept the attack)…in other words the grief in you allows the attack to take place….and until you grieve it fully then the attack will continue and you will uphold the false belief. Your soulmate has triggered this grief in you often because his view of you and his love for you does not match the beliefs that you hold about yourself…it is why he says to you ‘I cannot wait for the day your see yourself the way I see you’ God too wishes only for you to see yourself as God sees you but the feelings we are talking about here is what block that…and also block Gods Love.

The older women with you who wish to punish your children were treated very poorly as children themselves and your guilt of how you have been less than loving to your daughter when she was young is the opening in your soul that again allows the attack or influence….it is why they can make you feel like a bad mother and your anger about being punished as a child and the injustice and disrespect you felt as a small child is the hook they have to helping you get angry with your daughter.

Nat- What about my son?

C-  Do you remember as a child how your brother was favoured over you? This feeling inside of you that you wanted to punish him for being loved more than you…and even though your son is a baby and you have never punished him in the sense of smacked or grounded him or even been in a rage with him…the hole in your soul is still there, so he feels you anger with men because of this.

It is part of the feeling, that you are less because you are a girl….and your guilt about your daughter and the fact that you have yelled at her in anger many times and even smacked at times when she was smaller is just an avoidance of the repentance you need to feel. Guilt is for you, another way to tell yourself you are bad…another self punishment that allows spirit attack to occur and keep you from the real emotion that needs to be released.

When you grieve this worthless feeling and desire to be truly repentant for your unloving actions toward you children (for refusing to feel your grief and allowing your children to accept the projects of unhealed emotions is unloving to them) then you will no longer take the action but also you will release the hook…you will close the hole in your soul. And while you are developing a pure desire to love and nurture your children, the feelings coming from your soul will no longer be mixed…you have already seen the benefits with your daughters response with your desire to really love her in the true sense of loving.

The young girl with you, ‘Tank Girl’ as you call her, she is with you because you want to avoid the pain of all of these feelings we have talked about…she uses all the same open holes to influence you, but she would influence you to take actions that make you feel powerful over the grief inside yourself…it is why you are able to see her so much more clearly than the others…your rapport is better, because your resistance to allowing the pain of feeling not good enough, worthless, powerless, ugly etc is that strong!

This is where you are needing more humility my sister, and why my suggestion to you of taking simple actions to love yourself was the first task you needed to engage. For without love for yourself, you will not connect to God, you will not connect to your soul desires, you will not connect to your soul mate in the way you desire…and consequently you will create less than what your heart wants. You will also not be able to love and serve others.

So let us continue with our daily chats…and pray for the courage to let go of control and be humble to your pain so you may dissolve these false beliefs and allow the certainty of Gods view point to resonate in your heart.

3 Days ago I began my experiment. I woke up laid in bed and prayed for the courage to let myself be guided by the guide that God has afforded me in my journey. My guides name is Celeste.

Celeste appeared and I asked her, “what would you like me to do, I mean how is this gonna work….where do I start?” Her response startled me a little as I was expecting something complex and hard, and maybe even something I would be a little apprehensive about…Celeste replied with ” Today I want you to try to not speak….not unless you have to….reply to conversation only if you are asked a question…..try also to maintain an awareness of my presence with you all day…and be aware of your thoughts during the course of the day.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Yep that’s all” she said.

Well I thought to myself that seems easy enough…and so my day began, I needed to go to town that day and I live 70kms from town so the drive was a good chance for me to put to practice the suggestion that had been given to me.

With myself and my 6 month old son in the car off we went, I could feel Celeste sitting next me in the passenger seat and she gently said to me “don’t forget to breath…breath deep breaths.”

I took a couple of deep breaths, diaphragmatic type…you know all the way into my belly and started driving. I live 2kms away from the main bitumen road and by the time I had driven that distance ready to turn onto the main road, I was aware that my mind was already on some tangent thinking about a range of diverse things…I couldn’t feel Celeste…so I paused for a moment and then heard her say…”keep breathing”.

I took some more deep breaths and continued driving. For the next 70kms I noticed that every time my mind was babbling at me my breathing became shallow, and I couldn’t feel Celeste….and each time I noticed this Celeste reminded me to keep breathing. What I observed was when I was focused on my breathing, I could feel Celeste…but I could also really feel myself…this heavy something inside of me. I cannot label the emotion as it felt more like a multitude of different feelings bubbling away inside myself, but it definitely felt heavy and not very nice at all.

This mind rabble, pausing to breath and reconnect continued thru my day….by about 1pm I was in Big W and I heard a newborn baby girl crying, I looked over at the interaction between this baby and her mother as I watched her cry this overwhelming grief in me began to surface…I could feel this babies cry for help….help from the attack of her mothers anger….help for just wanting comfort and love. As I tried to maintain my emotional composure, Celeste gently said to me “this feeling is in you too”

I walked away and as my law of attraction would have it I ran into someone I had not seen for some months and allowed me an opportunity to start a conversation and focus my feelings elsewhere…I had safely avoided my grief that was about to come spewing out of me at any moment!!

The next day….day 2 was a mess, my thoughts were all over the place, my mind continually raced with a list of things for me to do that were not necessary but all of a sudden became very important….I did not even allow myself one opportunity to talk with Celeste at all….yet another successful day of avoiding myself!! Upon realising this I prayed again for more courage and apologised to Celeste for ignoring her all day.

Day 3….I went to town again today as I am offering Mediumship to the local community and practised breathing on the way trying to observe myself and how I was feeling. I could not find my diary so was unsure of my first clients appointment time but made sure I was early and took the time to ask Celeste some questions.

I prayed to be open enough to hear her guidance and then when I could see she was there I asked her to show me who else was with me (as I often do) her response was the following-

(Celeste)- Rather than me show you, allow yourself to feel who is there & then be open to seeing them, by truly feeling them you will get a clearer sense of what they look like.

So I sat and allowed myself to feel the spirits around me….. at first it was just a bunch of feelings that I started to jot down in my journal, but as I really allowed myself to be more open to the specifics of these feelings it became very clear how many spirits were with me and how each of them as individuals felt. This is what I learned-

There is a female spirit who feels like she is my age….she is quick to judge me, tells me I am arrogant and should not be doing Mediumship or anything I love…she feels really mean! And thinks she is better than me.

There are 3 male spirits with me one feels older than me, another feels my age and the other feels younger than me (by the way I am 39) these men think I am stupid and want me to feel…. stupid, useless, ugly, and project at me that I have nothing to offer a man as a woman.

Then there are 3 older women….their attire would suggest late 1800’s and like they have lived on the land…they feel I am a bad mother, they want to punish my son Caleb and my daughter Jade, but in particular Caleb (who is only 6 months old) they have no love for children and think they should be used as slaves, and blamed for everything that makes them angry. They feel like children are only good for chores and they have no nurturing desire in them at all.

Then there is a young girl spirit with me…she wants me to be sexual, feeds my insecurity of how I look, wants my man for herself, tells me I don’t deserve my man…that I look old…that I am fat and if I don’t get my body back to pre-pregnancy I wont KEEP my man. She feels tough and rebellious with huge attitude and wants to be desired by a man so she can have control….but even though I could feel this…I could also feel she is really hurt inside. Interesting for me that this spirit is the one I could see most clearly.

Celeste then continued to speak to me –

(Celeste)- Can you see how when you let yourself feel them you could easily get a sense of their appearance & then the more you allowed yourself to discern the different feelings you became aware of the individual people influencing you & then your spirit sight allowed you to see each of them individually. If you spent more time feeling each individual you would see each of them as clearly as you would see someone on earth. It is the same with me and your other guides…you do not allow yourself to fully feel us therefore your sight or seeing us is blurred or hazed, so you sense our presence and then look for us, but because you restrict the feeling of us fully, you are as yet unable to identify our robe colours, our facial features and expressions, and if it weren’t for Divine Love having transformed our soul you would not be able to distinguish us from any other spirit.

Celeste)- When you were a child you were open to feeling everything from your environment. It is why you saw people as all the same….for spirits are people with emotions, just the same as those people who walk the earth. As a child you could not really discern for yourself who was physical and who was spirit as it all felt the same for you. So for you to get back to this place where you can learn to discern spirit influence you will need to feel again, like you did as a little girl – hence the activity I gave to you 2 days ago. To be silent & only speak when necessary, to observe your breathing & the ability to feel when your thoughts were busy.

(Nat speaking to Celeste) I couldn’t feel anything, I couldn’t feel you & my breath was really shallow. And when you told me to concentrate on my breath, I could feel this underlying heavy sadness & stirring of yucky stuff. And when I was silent I became so sensitive to my environment!!! That little baby crying in Big W was the most horrible feeling in me.

(Celeste)- It was horrible because that baby was stirring in you the pain in you of just wanting to be held & loved & nurtured…and you were aware of the mothers un-verbalised rage at that baby, which exposed some helplessness in you.

(Celeste)- This is the perfect example of how in the mind dominate world you live often your law of attraction is skipped over or missed completely. There are so many opportunity’s in one day – every day to release a causal emotion….but it is necessary to be present in your body….to feel yourself, it is why focus on the breath is good – yet so many people…especially you my sister, are operating from your thoughts which are being controlled and influenced by spirits & that prevents you from feeling all the beautiful opportunity’s your soul brings you every minute of every day so that you can heal and grow closer to God.

(Celeste) Let us leave it here for now & again try your day one experiment & we will talk more tomorrow of the emotional hooks with your spirit friends. 

Listening to my mother share her feelings with me recently, I realised where a lot of my emotional addictions have come from….

Mum was saying to me that ‘appreciation’ and ‘gratitude’ are just good manners and if you do something nice for someone then they should show some appreciation for what you’ve done!

I could understand her point of view and I noticed I could feel 2 things – (1) that part of me agrees with her & (2) the sadness in me that is present about how disappointed, unappreciated and of little or no value I feel. These feelings are heavy inside of me, a  burden you might say….and then suddenly with the recognition of this I started to wonder if anything I did was from a pure desire to give or was everything I have done & am doing to just avoid these heavy feelings??

I also noticed when I heard Mum talking her true hearts desires, some of those run very close to my own….and then began to wonder….what if my mother’s grief of not fulfilling her hearts desire projects out at me and influences my own desires! So the question then becomes for me what are my desires?? My true soul desires??? Uninjured, uninfluenced, pure, passionate soul based desires….and the truth is I don’t know.

What do I really love doing? What do I love doing so much that it doesn’t matter if I get paid or not…I love it that much?!

When I feel from my heart about this I would have to say Mediumship first, playing with horses next, gardening and growing veggies and herbs and flowers, being in my relationship and being with my kids. God is in there to but not as high a priority as it should be… so I decided to prioritise my life better and made a list of how I would prefer to spend my time. Why? Because lately I have felt lost….actually I have felt this way for quite a few months now & today I felt huge grief about not engaging in the things I want for myself.

Standing in a shopping centre in Brisbane on a Saturday morning…the noise of people, music, the shops in general….I felt completely overwhelmed, it felt like I had no way of feeling, breathing, hearing my own thoughts – I felt completely absorbed by the busyness of my environment and all I wanted to do was leave asap…escape is probably a better way to describe it! As soon as I returned to the peace and quiet of my mums house I could relax again. However it was that very environment that triggered this sadness of…I cannot just do something I want to.

Well today as an act of love to myself I am going to make time for my desires and make them my priority and engage them every day!!

An experiment I have been putting off trying for some time, is, taking advantage of learning from my guide & actually allowing myself to be guided daily from someone who is already at-one with God.

I have often wondered what it would be like to live with Jesus and Mary….to have your law of attraction addressed with you 24/7 so that the only focus for me was purely my relationship with God.

When I think about that….well…I mean that’s true commitment to soul growth & it occurred to me some time ago that my guide is already at-one with God and so I have an actual friend who can teach me how to focus on my relationship with God, step by step, day by day! But – do I possess the courage and commitment level to learn from such an awesome mentor and guide??

The truth is I haven’t had that. But I do desire to grow my courage and my commitment so that I can have a real relationship with God, one that is the first priority in my life – so I am going to give it a go and record my channellings and guidance from my Guide daily. So you may see more posts each day as I engage this experiment and desire.

Shifts along ‘The Way’

I was reflecting on a question that was posed to me recently…..since discovering Divine Truth do I feel I have progressed? Mmmm…well when I thought about that I really started to wonder. Have I grown in Love? Has my soul, my spirituality grown? And if it has how can I tell??

It bothered me that I did not have an immediate confident answer that could be defined by a bench mark and I realised that this is so because the answer is not an intellectual one. It is more a feeling in me.

The Divine Truth teachings have taught me about Love, about God, about God’s Laws of Love, about the spirit world, about truth and error and that is just to name a few things. And while I have listened intently to the teachings, I feel like a kid in school all over again because I only get some of it! Fortunately this does not mean I am not smart…..so what does it mean?

I started to think about how when I was at school… saying my times tables over and over again helped me to remember them, but in truth I still didn’t know all of them. It was only when I discovered other aspects of mathematics….like division, fractions, percentages etc that I was able to apply what I learned and then it became something I knew…..I knew it because my experience of lots of different equations brought me to a certainty of an outcome….and before I realised I had come to an understanding of maths…it was this understanding that had caused me to grow (my knowledge)

Divine Truth I realise is kinda the same…..just because I say it parrot fashion over and over does not mean that I actually know it! Its only when you apply the knowledge to aspects of your life, so that you can experience what is being taught, that you start to feel certainty of the truth.

In the beginning when I first started to listen to the Divine Truth teachings…I tried very hard to change certain aspects of my life…to be more loving…it was a conscious effort that caused me to look at my life daily and the choices I was making. I wanted to be better than what I felt I was and I believed knowledge was going to give me that…. the upper hand as it were! Wrong….

It’s only now as reflect back on the last 5 years of my life that I realise…. that it’s how I feel about my life, how I feel about my choices that has caused me to change and to grow. Knowledge is not enough we need to ask ourselves how do we feel about what we know.

Looking back I can see how my feelings have changed, but it is my daily experiences in life that continually show me where I have made a shift and where I can make a shift. In the past I have often joked with other women about generalised derogatory  opinions of men that I now don’t feel are true and I no longer find these opinions funny…my feelings have shifted…. I once preferred to blame people for causing my pain, now I just feel that pain is where I am out of harmony with God and Love…my feelings have shifted….I once believed in retribution toward those who have done harm to me ….now I am starting to  feel compassion for them and the lack of love they have experienced in their lives….I used to feel justified in some of my choices that were unloving….now I feel remorse for the actions I have taken….

As life presents more opportunity to grow, to shift the way I live to something more harmonious with God….I am blessed to know that I can stop and feel the difference between how I used to react in certain situations….and the action I now choose. And the fact that each action I take that is in harmony with God and love comes from my heart….I don’t have to try to do it right…it is just now the natural response within my soul. This is my soul growing…progressing….opening. And what is even more beautiful about these shifts is that when I falter or get it wrong I can feel it instantly which also gives me another opportunity to learn about myself and learn about Love and rectify or change the mistake.

I have taken what knowledge (Divine Truth) I have heard and allowed the continued experience of my life, factoring in how I feel about all that happens to me and because of me and then share it with God with a desire to feel where I am in harmony or out of harmony with Love so that I can know the Truth (from God’s perspective). And that for me folks is progress!

So if you are wondering if you have grown as a person…as a soul… my suggestion…. reflect on how you feel about your life situations both past and present. Remember that God’s beautiful Law of Attraction not only shows you where you are out of balance with love and God…but also shows you the shifts you have made along the way.

Letting Love In….

I have a beautiful man in my life. He has been in my life for 10 years. He is my….soulmate.

Wow that is hard to say, its hard to say because I have been wrong about my soulmate before, but God and my Guides have shown me that is who he is….and more than that I feel it in my heart.

Throughout my life I have not very often trusted my heart….and when I have it has been a huge task, a risk, even with the reassurance of God, I still get scared about saying it out loud to anyone other than him, that he is my soulmate because I find it hard to believe that God would give me someone so awesome.

I still remember the day we met and the effect he had on me….I was almost speechless, (for those that know me that does not happen to often), I was definately nervous…I was a waitress in a restaurant and he was placing his order, I could hardly make eye contact with him because I could not stop blushing when I looked at him, I stumbled over my words as I took his order, I tripped on the way back to the kitchen to give the chef his order…and when it came time to deliver his meal to him I was terrified that I would drop it or spill it on him.

Over the next 12 weeks I took his order every night, and every night, my heart would race, my hands would shake, my words would be all jumbled, and every time I looked at his eyes this amazing feeling would happen in my chest. It was like a warmth expanding out of me at him, and I was terrified that he would know I felt this way, and I could not stop it no matter what I tried to think of!

What is interesting to me is that a week before we met I was sitting on the beach with my 6 month old daughter, crying and feeling my heart to God with this questioning. When would it be my turn? When would I find that person I could love forever? And how on earth was he ever going to find me in a beach village with a population of only 500 people? I sobbed for an hour on that beach pondering the thought that I may have to spend the rest of my life alone, and feeling just gutted that I had tried in vain to make so many bad relationships work in the hope that each relationship would be the one. In short I had given up, I just figured that there was no one for me and God wanted it to be that way for whatever reason.

A week later…. I met him, of course I did not know it at the time, and given the history of relationships I had had in my life, how un-nerved I felt around him I would never have recognised he was the one anyway.

You see I had only ever wanted a man I could control, that I could dominate, and only give love to on my terms, that way I was always in control of the relationship, I got to decide how emotionally invested I would be in each relationship and I remained always distant enough that I could walk away at any time and still feel the power lay with me because I was the one who left. I have since learned that this is not Love…not even close!!

Ironically I moved from that beach village and through what I can only describe as God’s plan, I ended up living 5 houses down the road from him. I was dating someone else (someone I could still control) and it turned out they were acquaintances.

This is how my soulmate and I became friends. over the next 8 years we shared a lot together, heartbreak in our relationships, many nights dancing and partying our sorrows away, long walks on the beach, consoling cups of coffee whenever each other needed it, and all the while this feeling in my heart was there….I must admit I did a pretty good job of hiding it from him, and I denied it so strongly in myself, I could never admit (to myself especially) how I really felt, because he was just so awesome…I could never have someone like him….I really believed that…..but even scarier was the fact I had no control over the way he made me feel, and that terrified me. So I pretended that it wasnt real, with all my might I tried to shut it out….and it worked for a little while. 9 and a half years to be exact.

Then I didn’t see him for a year and a half, and suddenly one night at 3:02am (after months of soulmate movies and crying about not knowing who it is and not having them in my life)……. I woke from a sleep state experience, with this knowing in my heart it was him, that he was…… the one. Again I tried to dismiss it as crazy thinking how could that be….but I couldn’t go back to sleep. I just lay there for the next hour feeling into the feeling that was in my heart when I awoke…..it was amazing, I felt really calm and peaceful, so I prayed. I asked God to show me if this was my soulmate….2 nights later I had another sleep state experience where I told him how I felt about him and he said he felt the same way……again I awoke with this excitement in my heart but still feeling really calm.

This time instead of trying to dismiss it I went into the feeling and realised that this feeling in my heart had been there since the first time I met him…every time I saw him and still 9 and half years when I dream of him it was still the same. In that very moment I knew I had to tell him how I felt…It felt like… to go another day with this feeling in my heart of love, after holding onto it for nearly 10 years…I gotta tell ya I thought I was going to burst!!

I had to wait 2 days before I could tell him, so I prayed to God about how nervous I was. What if I was to be rejected when I told him that I was in love with him….? But as the 2 days went by the feeling in my heart kept growing and I no longer carer if he rejected what I said, I knew what I could feel was not going away  and I was not going to deny that feeling anymore.

Anyway as you may know already, I went to see him and it turns out that he felt the same way and always had……and that’s how our journey began.

I since have reflected on the love I have had the pleasure of experiencing since our journey began, the feeling of my soul opening (which totally freaked me out while it was happening so I shut it down…damn it)  and even before that back to when we were just friends, and how afraid I was of the way he made me feel inside. I was afraid of his love and letting it in.

You see I have had to give up control because I have no control over the love I feel for him and that is terrifying, but as scary as it is the feeling of love is so much nicer….so its worth being a little terrified. I have no exist strategy this time……this time its my one true love of all time….and it feels nice to have no exit plan in the back of my mind. I still struggle sometimes to look him in the eyes when I can feel him looking at me with love in his heart and eyes…..it overwhelms me so much. But as I catch myself trying to look at the ground, I take a deep breath and make myself look at that beautiful man smiling back at me with so much love in his heart. It makes me cry sometimes, this overwhelming sadness of how I have had to live most of my life without the kind of love we have.

Because of him,it is the first time ever in my life……I have genuinely wanted to love a man, share with him, learn about him and from him, grow with him……and all because I let love in.

I thank God regularly from the very bottom of my heart for the gift of a soulmate. And I encourage anyone who is seeking the one to not give up, to keep praying, and longing for the other half of your soul…. that one person you were meant to love for ever end ever……. amen.

Living Raw with Susan

a journey in discovering how to live a life lead by love

Notes Along The Way

A place to find helpful, heartfelt stories & tips for living Gods Way