where do I begin??
I am afraid God, I am afraid that you wont love me….because I am a liar, I lie to myself, my friends, my family, my acquaintances and most of all I lie to you. I tell myself and others that I want to love more…heck I even started this blog with noble idea of sharing about what I have learned about love!
But it is bullshit God because I cant be honest with myself or you, let alone anyone else. I read a blog post today from your beautiful daughter Mary, I know you know the one, she overwhelms me with her honesty and her desire for you God….and in reading her post I realised that I haven’t wanted your love I haven’t wanted to share myself with you from the exact place where I stand, my prayers have not been honest and heart felt and I have only wanted you to want me.
I have not wanted to tell you that I don’t know how to love myself, I have not wanted to tell you that smoking has got the better of me again, I have not wanted to tell you that I am angry that hypnosis doesn’t work anymore and that I just wish I could go back to when it did because I don’t know what the emotion is that makes me want to do it and I don’t want to know!!
I want you to fix everything God but I don’t want to do any of the work, I want you to want me and love me without having to ask so that I can feel like I am of some value to you…..then I would believe in you, then I would have more faith, then I would try.(But would I) I know God that I do this people to….I want them to treat me a certain way…I want them to want me, so I can feel of value and with them it works….but not with you. Why not with you??
I believed that I had the courage and commitment needed to let my guide show me the way to you….but I don’t.
I learned from her and you a few weeks ago that when I am open to you, I feel great and I can feel her and others who would help me in my journey, and with such clarity and peacefulness that it blew my mind….but it ended to quickly!!! And I want it back! I want to feel like that all the time…I want to use my gift of mediumship when I am that clear….I want to feel my soul desires all the time so I can be excited about my life, but the problem is God I don’t know how that clarity happened, I know only the mess I was in before it happened and to be honest it was hard and dark and painful and I don’t know if I have the courage to keep going to that place to find you like that….I want it to be easier than that.
I hate the mess that is inside of me, I hate having to look at it and I hate having to expose to you….granted there has always been a pay off of connecting to you whenever I do, but its hard and snotty and I feel lost and out of control and that scares me…why do I have to do it that way?
Couldn’t we just make it, so we could feel you like that all the time and if we make a mistake then we would lose the feeling till we corrected the mistake? That just feels like it would be so much easier. Muddling thru all my mistakes and pain and parents mistakes as well as my own parental mistakes….gawd, if feels impossible and for the small moments of joy when I do feel you in contrast to the constant state of mess I feel I am in…. hardly feels worth the effort most days.
But after reading Mary’s post I am frustrated with the fact that there is this feeling inside of me that wants you…..wants to be heard by you, known by you, closer to you. And this distance I am putting between us is hurting so much that I don’t want to do it anymore.
God I have spent years punishing myself and discovered recently I actually have enjoyed it….I have been addicted to making myself a victim of violence and I am the perpetrator and what is challenging me the most God is I don’t know how to stop. I don’t even know if I want to stop. But I know that when I make an effort to love myself, that it feels nice….but EFFORT is the word here, to pay attention to. Why God is it such an EFFORT for me to be kind, and compassionate and patient and good to myself.
I need your help God for I recognised in my heart today that I really do want your love, that I really do want to know you….that I really do want to feel you…and I want to be grateful for it….I don’t know how to express gratitude God, my thanks to anyone has always been guarded and addictive and I don’t want to do that either.
I saw your son Jesus receive your love one day but what I also noticed was he gave love back to you….the exchange of love was mutual and appeared to be so natural, it was some years ago when I saw this but the image has always stayed with me. Why cant I do this God…why is it that I don’t feel any gratitude for the love you have already given me…for the gifts you have given me…why is there not a feeling in my heart of love for you for the very fact of my existence???
I can feel you a little now and I would like to stay with you for a while so I am going to stop writing.
(To those who are reading this pos,t I just felt to say what was in my heart today, I know much of my relationship with God has come from a needy and addictive place and I know that God doesn’t work that way, but the feeling in my heart today was a wanting for God and his love and so I shared my prayer with you as it was for me in the moment)