Listening to my mother share her feelings with me recently, I realised where a lot of my emotional addictions have come from….
Mum was saying to me that ‘appreciation’ and ‘gratitude’ are just good manners and if you do something nice for someone then they should show some appreciation for what you’ve done!
I could understand her point of view and I noticed I could feel 2 things – (1) that part of me agrees with her & (2) the sadness in me that is present about how disappointed, unappreciated and of little or no value I feel. These feelings are heavy inside of me, a burden you might say….and then suddenly with the recognition of this I started to wonder if anything I did was from a pure desire to give or was everything I have done & am doing to just avoid these heavy feelings??
I also noticed when I heard Mum talking her true hearts desires, some of those run very close to my own….and then began to wonder….what if my mother’s grief of not fulfilling her hearts desire projects out at me and influences my own desires! So the question then becomes for me what are my desires?? My true soul desires??? Uninjured, uninfluenced, pure, passionate soul based desires….and the truth is I don’t know.
What do I really love doing? What do I love doing so much that it doesn’t matter if I get paid or not…I love it that much?!
When I feel from my heart about this I would have to say Mediumship first, playing with horses next, gardening and growing veggies and herbs and flowers, being in my relationship and being with my kids. God is in there to but not as high a priority as it should be… so I decided to prioritise my life better and made a list of how I would prefer to spend my time. Why? Because lately I have felt lost….actually I have felt this way for quite a few months now & today I felt huge grief about not engaging in the things I want for myself.
Standing in a shopping centre in Brisbane on a Saturday morning…the noise of people, music, the shops in general….I felt completely overwhelmed, it felt like I had no way of feeling, breathing, hearing my own thoughts – I felt completely absorbed by the busyness of my environment and all I wanted to do was leave asap…escape is probably a better way to describe it! As soon as I returned to the peace and quiet of my mums house I could relax again. However it was that very environment that triggered this sadness of…I cannot just do something I want to.
Well today as an act of love to myself I am going to make time for my desires and make them my priority and engage them every day!!
An experiment I have been putting off trying for some time, is, taking advantage of learning from my guide & actually allowing myself to be guided daily from someone who is already at-one with God.
I have often wondered what it would be like to live with Jesus and Mary….to have your law of attraction addressed with you 24/7 so that the only focus for me was purely my relationship with God.
When I think about that….well…I mean that’s true commitment to soul growth & it occurred to me some time ago that my guide is already at-one with God and so I have an actual friend who can teach me how to focus on my relationship with God, step by step, day by day! But – do I possess the courage and commitment level to learn from such an awesome mentor and guide??
The truth is I haven’t had that. But I do desire to grow my courage and my commitment so that I can have a real relationship with God, one that is the first priority in my life – so I am going to give it a go and record my channellings and guidance from my Guide daily. So you may see more posts each day as I engage this experiment and desire.