I have a beautiful man in my life. He has been in my life for 10 years. He is my….soulmate.
Wow that is hard to say, its hard to say because I have been wrong about my soulmate before, but God and my Guides have shown me that is who he is….and more than that I feel it in my heart.
Throughout my life I have not very often trusted my heart….and when I have it has been a huge task, a risk, even with the reassurance of God, I still get scared about saying it out loud to anyone other than him, that he is my soulmate because I find it hard to believe that God would give me someone so awesome.
I still remember the day we met and the effect he had on me….I was almost speechless, (for those that know me that does not happen to often), I was definately nervous…I was a waitress in a restaurant and he was placing his order, I could hardly make eye contact with him because I could not stop blushing when I looked at him, I stumbled over my words as I took his order, I tripped on the way back to the kitchen to give the chef his order…and when it came time to deliver his meal to him I was terrified that I would drop it or spill it on him.
Over the next 12 weeks I took his order every night, and every night, my heart would race, my hands would shake, my words would be all jumbled, and every time I looked at his eyes this amazing feeling would happen in my chest. It was like a warmth expanding out of me at him, and I was terrified that he would know I felt this way, and I could not stop it no matter what I tried to think of!
What is interesting to me is that a week before we met I was sitting on the beach with my 6 month old daughter, crying and feeling my heart to God with this questioning. When would it be my turn? When would I find that person I could love forever? And how on earth was he ever going to find me in a beach village with a population of only 500 people? I sobbed for an hour on that beach pondering the thought that I may have to spend the rest of my life alone, and feeling just gutted that I had tried in vain to make so many bad relationships work in the hope that each relationship would be the one. In short I had given up, I just figured that there was no one for me and God wanted it to be that way for whatever reason.
A week later…. I met him, of course I did not know it at the time, and given the history of relationships I had had in my life, how un-nerved I felt around him I would never have recognised he was the one anyway.
You see I had only ever wanted a man I could control, that I could dominate, and only give love to on my terms, that way I was always in control of the relationship, I got to decide how emotionally invested I would be in each relationship and I remained always distant enough that I could walk away at any time and still feel the power lay with me because I was the one who left. I have since learned that this is not Love…not even close!!
Ironically I moved from that beach village and through what I can only describe as God’s plan, I ended up living 5 houses down the road from him. I was dating someone else (someone I could still control) and it turned out they were acquaintances.
This is how my soulmate and I became friends. over the next 8 years we shared a lot together, heartbreak in our relationships, many nights dancing and partying our sorrows away, long walks on the beach, consoling cups of coffee whenever each other needed it, and all the while this feeling in my heart was there….I must admit I did a pretty good job of hiding it from him, and I denied it so strongly in myself, I could never admit (to myself especially) how I really felt, because he was just so awesome…I could never have someone like him….I really believed that…..but even scarier was the fact I had no control over the way he made me feel, and that terrified me. So I pretended that it wasnt real, with all my might I tried to shut it out….and it worked for a little while. 9 and a half years to be exact.
Then I didn’t see him for a year and a half, and suddenly one night at 3:02am (after months of soulmate movies and crying about not knowing who it is and not having them in my life)……. I woke from a sleep state experience, with this knowing in my heart it was him, that he was…… the one. Again I tried to dismiss it as crazy thinking how could that be….but I couldn’t go back to sleep. I just lay there for the next hour feeling into the feeling that was in my heart when I awoke…..it was amazing, I felt really calm and peaceful, so I prayed. I asked God to show me if this was my soulmate….2 nights later I had another sleep state experience where I told him how I felt about him and he said he felt the same way……again I awoke with this excitement in my heart but still feeling really calm.
This time instead of trying to dismiss it I went into the feeling and realised that this feeling in my heart had been there since the first time I met him…every time I saw him and still 9 and half years when I dream of him it was still the same. In that very moment I knew I had to tell him how I felt…It felt like… to go another day with this feeling in my heart of love, after holding onto it for nearly 10 years…I gotta tell ya I thought I was going to burst!!
I had to wait 2 days before I could tell him, so I prayed to God about how nervous I was. What if I was to be rejected when I told him that I was in love with him….? But as the 2 days went by the feeling in my heart kept growing and I no longer carer if he rejected what I said, I knew what I could feel was not going away and I was not going to deny that feeling anymore.
Anyway as you may know already, I went to see him and it turns out that he felt the same way and always had……and that’s how our journey began.
I since have reflected on the love I have had the pleasure of experiencing since our journey began, the feeling of my soul opening (which totally freaked me out while it was happening so I shut it down…damn it) and even before that back to when we were just friends, and how afraid I was of the way he made me feel inside. I was afraid of his love and letting it in.
You see I have had to give up control because I have no control over the love I feel for him and that is terrifying, but as scary as it is the feeling of love is so much nicer….so its worth being a little terrified. I have no exist strategy this time……this time its my one true love of all time….and it feels nice to have no exit plan in the back of my mind. I still struggle sometimes to look him in the eyes when I can feel him looking at me with love in his heart and eyes…..it overwhelms me so much. But as I catch myself trying to look at the ground, I take a deep breath and make myself look at that beautiful man smiling back at me with so much love in his heart. It makes me cry sometimes, this overwhelming sadness of how I have had to live most of my life without the kind of love we have.
Because of him,it is the first time ever in my life……I have genuinely wanted to love a man, share with him, learn about him and from him, grow with him……and all because I let love in.
I thank God regularly from the very bottom of my heart for the gift of a soulmate. And I encourage anyone who is seeking the one to not give up, to keep praying, and longing for the other half of your soul…. that one person you were meant to love for ever end ever……. amen.