Recently I had a prayer to God about why I have trouble connecting to God. Why don’t I trust God and what is the error about love in me that causes me to feel this way….
Then I got an answer. Its because I believe in the ‘Original Sin’! I have believed that God will punish me, that my ‘Sin’ (i.e. pain, grief, illness) is something I was created with and therefore am not worthy of God’s love. I have believe that I was ruined and damaged right from the start and that I have to strive to be better…to be good….good enough to get God’s love and if I don’t then I will be punished and not loved.
Fortunately this is not true and just another false belief I uncovered in myself (one I am still learning to let go of)!!
In the moment of recognising my false belief my guides showed me a different perspective a much more truthful one. They showed me how we were all created perfect and we were created with a will to make our own choices. I saw how in all of God’s creations there is always balance and harmony…. to the point of perfection!! And that mankind – me – is just out of balance.
I have learned in life that to get love and attention I have had to earn it, or do something to get it. This has caused me to learn to be independent, because my most of my experiences in life so far have shown me that no matter how hard I try to be loved, there has always been more expectations, demands and bartering…a constant platform in which to continue to want to be loved and feeling like I am not being good enough to get it.
This has taught me to trust disappointment….I have accepted the belief that disappointment is all I am gonna get in life because that’s all I deserve. So to cover up the pain in my heart about this I learned to act like I don’t need anyone….but my soul screamed something different.
The truth is I do need someone, but even more than that I want someone!
Someone who I can depend on, someone who is always there, someone who I can count on for guidance when I stumble, someone who will not judge my mistakes or mock or shame me for them. Someone I can completely confide in and will always have a helpful solution, someone who wants to know me, to help me. Someone who will love me flaws and all and who will never let me down.
Well I saw today….that GOD is that someone!
Let me say it again because it has taken me 5 years to get it!!!
God is my parent, my mentor, my guide, my non judgemental friend always willing to lend an ear. God is the person who will always give me great advice that will help bring me back into balance and have more harmony in my life – because God cares about me!
God still loves me even though I sit in defiance at times, and am still stubborn about what I think is right. And God is gonna be dependable.. EVERY SINGLE TIME! ( I caught my breath in the penny dropping moment I realised this)
But my problem is that I have not and still struggle to really believe this and because I haven’t believed, I haven’t ever tried to depend on God. Yet the amazing thing is…..is that God isn’t like anyone else. God has not and will not give up on me. God does not resent me for not talking to him for 3 months. God just waits patiently for me to sit down and open my heart and tell Her all that is going on in my life. She gives me advice and all the answers I need to know when I ask Her…so that I can have more balance and feel more peace in my life….why does she do this because She wants me to be happy. The problem is we don’t see God as our parent, the father and mother we always wanted.
It was so nice to feel the truth about this – that God does love me and is the one true constant thing I have been wanting all of my life.
Every day I could be talking with God from my heart, about my life, my options, my decisions both past and present, my ideas, my passions and desires…..& in this open heart conversation God can hear me and I can hear God. God can help me find my way back to balance and harmony – the way I was created.
But I have to make the first move….God is already waiting, lovingly & respectfully waiting till I ask for His help. But I have to ask…I have to start the conversation….I have to open my heart to Her so we can hear each other….I have to pray.
I have to pray because it is the only thing I can do to actually have the kind of relationship with God that I have been seeking out all my life…..it is the only thing I can do to actually have any faith that all these beautiful things about God are true and if I am ever going to come back into balance, come back into harmony and truly depend on God and trust God…then I have to start with an open heart and live with God from that space of honesty everyday!!
And then the miracles of love will become evident in my life….